The Fedora
by SnitterSense
Summary: AU: Perry is a simple platypus who just appreciates nature and the world around him. Sometimes, if his owners get too busy and noisy to pay attention, Perry goes off and explores the world on his own. But on one escapade, a man in a white coat gives him a little brown hat, placing it on his head. And that night, Perry dreams of a life fighting evil... One-Shot


**This is just something that I came up with today while I was finishing up some homework. I haven't seen anyone do this yet, but if anyone has done this, then accept my apologies.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Phineas and Ferb. **

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The Fedora

By Retro-Snitter

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Sunlight warms my skin as my eyes flutter open. I yawn and stretch, looking about me. The bedroom is the same as it always has been, with the exception that right now it is filled with light.

Everything constantly keeps changing every day. In the morning, the big light in the sky comes up and lights up everything, making it all nice and shiny. The light is what always wakes me up. Then in the middle of the day, the air gets hotter, making me really tired so that I lie down under the big tree and sleep. And most of the time when I wake up from my nap, then the sky is getting dark and the air is cool again. Most of the other creatures don't seem to appreciate the changes that happen every day. They're always so busy doing other things.

I blink and crawl close to my sleeping owner. Well, I technically have two owners, one with red hair and a triangular head, the other with green hair and a rectangular head. This one is the one with the triangular head, or as I usually call him, Red Triangle.

Red Triangle moves around and chatters. Then he yawns and blinks his eyes open. His eyes meet mine and he smiles. He chatters something and pulls me close to him. Red Triangle calls over to his clan-mate. Green Rectangle's eyes blink open and he looks over at us. He cracks a smile.

I say cheerfully, "Good morning!"

To my amazement, they have almost nearly mastered my language. Well almost.

"Good evening!" Red Triangle attempts.

"Good day!" Green Rectangle actually is much closer than he was yesterday.

So far, they're only getting the basics of my language, but that's okay. I can basically understand what they're doing and what they mean, just by their body language.

For instance, Red Triangle is getting up and walking over to Green Rectangle, chattering a little louder than before and raising one of his hands. Now, I can tell that what he had just communicated was a proclamation. Mainly, I know this because he says something like this every day, but it still serves a good example.

Then they shed their night skins and put on their day skins. It's really fascinating how the two-legged creatures need to change their skins every night and day. And sometimes, the skins vary. Two-legged creatures are very strange.

Red Triangle picks me up and holds me in his arms. I purr in delight. I don't purr like Brown Whiskers, the creature with little pointed ears, a long tale, and brown stripes all over it. Brown Whiskers lives across the street, but doesn't like me very much. She keeps hissing at me when I come over. But sometimes, I've heard her purr when she's around her two-legged creatures.

Red Triangle sets me in front of my food bowl, which he fills. Something is scrawled on the bowl in strange two-legged creature language. I've tried to decipher their language before, since they try so hard to speak mine. The language on the bowl has five characters. I've figured out that this might be related to the two short sounds that they use to call me. I can't say the sound out loud since my tongue doesn't click the same way, but I can always think the sound. The sound is "Perry".

I tried to say it once, but it was too exhausting to do it. I don't like putting a lot of energy into things, even if it is in the name of discovery.

I eat the food greedily, happy that it tastes so good like usual. Some food sticks to my beak when I'm done, but I don't mind; it'll come off as the day goes on.

But Green Rectangle saunters over and kneels before me with a small, flimsy white square. He uses it to take the food off of my beak. I thank him by brushing against him.

I walk outside and notice that it's nearly the middle of the day. I could take my nap earlier, but every time I do that, I still wake up when it's hot. So I sit under the tree and watch my two-legged creatures.

They're making an awful lot of noise. It's hurting my head. I want to walk over to them and let them pet me again, but they look really busy. So instead, I walk away from the yellow cave that we live in. I find myself walking on hard white stuff under me. I learned quickly that this was a safe place to walk, and to never walk on the black stuff without a two-legged creature with me. A lot of fast-moving metal things walk there instead.

I see my friend Shaking Pink walking towards me with his two-legged creature. As usual, his pink body is shaking for no reason whatsoever.

He barks, "Good afternoon, Orange Beak!"

"Good afternoon, Shaking Pink!"

His two-legged creature, a female in her pink skin, chatters something cheerfully to us. As usual, I ignore two-legged creature chatter.

"Orange Beak, where are you going?" Shaking Pink asks worriedly.

"I don't know," I admit. "I'm just trying to get away from the noise my two-legged creatures are making."

"Oh yeah, you have the noisy two-legged creatures. But usually the noise goes away quickly."

"Yes, but it's cutting into my nap," I complain. "It's too hot out."

Shaking Pink's ears fold back nervously. "Do you think that you'll discover something today, like that small noisy rectangle yesterday?"

I remember the small noisy rectangle fondly. I had found it a little ways away from my yellow cave yesterday and had brought it home. It was the one time that the long-necked two-legged creature had chattered something kindly to me. It almost made me want to change her name from Scary Red to Slightly-Frightening Red. But I didn't because the second name is too long.

"Hopefully," I say brightly. "Maybe I'll go further today."

Shaking Pink and his two-legged creature walk off and he calls to me, "I wish you luck! Be safe!"

Taking Shaking Pink's advice into account, I am determined to stay on the white ground until the air cools and the light seems to go away. Then I'll head back to my cave.

I actually make it pretty far until I bump into something. When it topples over, I realize that it's a two-legged creature. I move out of its way then, perhaps a bit too late. I don't know what to do to help it. But I'm curious to see what happens to it, so I turn to face it.

The first thing I notice is that its day skin is black on the inside, but on the outside, it's white. The white skin flails about as it moves. And the bottom half of his day skin is grey, which is pretty boring, I guess. It has a long nose, almost like Red Triangle, but not quite. Its eyes are huge and its hair is brown and by the looks of it, fluffy. It looks so fluffy, that I want to lie down on top of it and sleep.

It notices me and smiles.

I say, "Hello there!"

He coos something to me and reaches out to stroke my back. I purr softly and walk closer to it. When I get closer, I can scent that it is indeed a he. In an odd way, he reminds me of Red Triangle. Well, except for the fact that his chatter is really different than any two-legged creature I've ever heard. So I decide to call him Loud Chatter.

Loud Chatter decides to pick me up off the ground after he gets up. He looks at my tag and smiles, chattering something again. He chatters more than any other two-legged creature I've ever been around.

He had dropped something on the ground when I tripped him, it appears, since he bends down to pick up the paper holder and hold's it in his hand. He walks in the direction of my cave and chatters something for quite a while. Then as if he had an epiphany, he reaches into the paper holder and pulls out something brown. The brown thing in itself doesn't seem all too important, but it holds a certain appeal to me.

Loud Chatter places the brown thing on my head and chatters something fondly. He keeps up the chatter, but he still is fun to be around, since he keeps petting me. I have named him well.

Finally, we get back to my yellow cave. Red Triangle comes out to meet Loud Chatter. Whatever he and Green Rectangle had been making earlier is gone now. And everything is quiet. I can't wait to take my nap.

But before I do so, I must introduce Red Triangle to my new friend.

"Red Triangle, this is my friend Loud Chatter. I accidently ran into him on the white ground but he doesn't hate me for it. Oh! And he gave me this thing on my head!"

It doesn't seem like Red Triangle has listened to everything I said, but he seems to get the basic idea, since he gestures towards the brown thing on my head eagerly. Loud Chatter communicates something else to Red Triangle nonchalantly and hands me to my two-legged creature. Then I watch as Loud Chatter walks away from our house.

I call, "Bye, Loud Chatter! See you later!"

Red Triangle says something happily to me and holds me close. Then we go into the yellow cave.

He feeds me again and I eat quickly because I want to go to sleep. Red Triangle picks me up and heads upstairs towards the room. He sets me on his bed and almost immediately I fall asleep.

_I burst through the front door, breathing raggedly. _

"_Oh come on, Perry the Platypus, was that really necessary? I just got a new door! Now I have to replace the hinges and prop it back up against the wall." The man, Dr. Heinz Doofensmhirtz, looks at the doorway nervously. "Could you just prop it up against the doorway right now? I get really nervous when there's an opening like that."_

_I sigh and do as he says._

"_Thank you Perry the Platypus, that's very kind of you. Now where were we? Oh yes!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz presses a button and immediately, I know what it's meant to do. _

_A net falls over me and pulls me up towards the ceiling. _

"_Are you having fun 'hanging around', Perry the Platypus?"_

_I glare at him. _

"_Get it, because you're hanging…in a net. No?" He scoffs, "Trying to make a platypus laugh…"_

_I examine the net and look for its weak spots. Surely it must have some. Maybe I can chew through it…_

_Dr. Doofenshmirtz doesn't seem to notice this; instead he goes on with his rant. "You see, Perry the Platypus, years ago I had fallen madly in love. And I mean real love, Perry the Platypus! Not like any of my miserable dates. _

"_Anyway, she was beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside! Her heart was full of pure gold. She was the only person that ever would talk to me and not ask me for something. She didn't need to ask me for things, she was rich._

"_Well anyway, we grew so found of each other, that we both fell in love with each other. I was ecstatic. And a few years later, like a couple of stupid fools, we got married."_

_Oh, so he's talking about his ex-wife. Strange, he seems to really hate her now. _

"_It was only about a year or so before we had Vanessa. And well, after that, things went downhill. And I'll spare you the rest of the story; it's making me all depressed just thinking about it. Basically she kicked me out and soon after we got divorced." _

_I was still trying to figure out what the point of this story was when he revealed his "Inator". _

"_She's going to regret the day she kicked me out! She didn't understand that I still loved her… But no matter! Behold, the Dog-inator!"_

_I rolled my eyes; I could see where this was going._

"_I'm going to turn her into what she really is! And soon, I will turn all dog-like wives into dogs all over the Tri-State Area! Then all their husbands will have to agree that I should be in charge of – well I already said "Tri-State Area" so I don't want to sound redundant. Even though I just said it again…"_

_I finally found a weak spot in the ropes and began to chew. _

"_I'll just let the 'Inator' warm up a bit," Dr. Doofenshmirtz chattered. Honestly, sometimes he needed to know when to be quiet. _

_I finally chewed through the rope and pulled myself out, holding onto the outside of the net, and then doing a front flip and landing on the floor. I smirked and ran towards Doofenshmirtz, knocking him to the ground. Then I took my fedora off my head and tossed it towards the 'Inator'. The fedora hit the self- destruct button and the 'Inator' began to do a count down. Doofenshmirtz cried out and began to run towards the doorway, which I had covered with the actual door. He tried to move it, but to no avail. I sighed and ran towards the door and kicked it out of the way, pulling Doofenshmirtz into the hallway. I found a window and broke through it, and pulling out my parachute. _

_I nearly smiled as I heard the doctor cry, "Curse you, Perry the Platypus!"_

My eyes blinked open. The sunlight was not on my fur yet, which means that it was still sleeping time. Why was I awake now? Maybe it had to do with my strange night-play that I had. I blinked again and looked towards the nightstand. The brown thing that Loud Chatter had given me was still there. Strange, both Loud Chatter and the brown thing that went on my head were in my night-play.

I suppose the best thing to do is forget about the night-play. It has nothing to do with here and now. It only happened in the past. And it has nothing to do with my daily discoveries or my two-legged creatures.

But I suppose if something could come from this night-play, it has now given me a name for the brown thing that goes on my head.

I'm going to call it "Fedora".

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**Kudos to you if you figured out exactly what I meant by the "Dog-Inator". Not that I'm afraid of using the real word, I just didn't feel like throwing out a bit of language fit this fanfic very well. **

**But besides that, yeah, this was my take on what Perry's life would be like if he were just a "mindless animal" and not a secret agent. I don't know if he would be able to have secret agent dreams if he were a mindless animal or not, but I basically did that because I wanted to attempt to write a Doofenshmirtz rant. Of course, it probably isn't as good as it could be because I wrote this at 1:00 in the morning.**

**But still, I hope that you enjoyed it! Thanks! And reviews are always appreciated. :D**


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